The Last Few Days

Pardon my Español, but AY DIOS MIO!!!!!  I leave for Chile in three days!  That's frighteningly quick!  So here are some rambling last minute thoughts:

Packing is the stress equivalent of waterboarding.  Ok, so that's dramatic and disrespectful.  I apologize to the poor souls at Gitmo.  But packing really makes me wish I could just jump out my window so that I don't have to think about packing any more.  Every available surface in my bedroom is covered in potentially necessary items to take on the 10 week journey.  Bed is for clothes, bachelor chest is for winter accessories, dresser is for completely random items (read:  stuff I know is ridiculous but I don't want to live without, like my manicure set), and my beautiful bedroom mantle is strewn with grown-up lawyer clothes that will come off their hangers at the very last minute.  Don't even get me started on toiletries and my bathroom (should I bring my diffuser? etc.).  Now I get to cram it all into 2 suitcases.  Sigh.  I had 3 suitcases laid out, but the REB assures me that 3 suitcases is ridiculous and obscene, even though one of them is smaller than my Vera Bradley duffel bag.  He clearly doesn't understand the NEED to take my galoshes and hot rollers.  Sigh again.

Even worse than packing is the emotional roller-coaster.  Two weeks ago, I was fired up.  You could have put my on the plane without any luggage and I would still have been ecstatic.  Last week, I cried and thought about canceling. All I could think about was how nice it would be to just stay at home with Mom and Grandma all summer.  Just looking at my dog was enough to send me into an hour long crying spell.  This weekend, during my favorite holiday, the Indy 500, I completely forgot that I was leaving in under a week.   Now, I am super excited about spending my summer in Chile, but I can feel the fear buried underneath the excitement.  What if I can't understand anyone?  What if my vocabulary is horrible?  What if I run out of money?  What if? What if? WHAT IF????  My current self-dialogue is something like this:  "Oh my god I'm learning for Chile on Friday!  Shit, I should have ordered that history book online.  What shampoo should I bring?  Man, I'm going to miss Lulu.  What if she forgets me?  Ooo, better not forget to pack some gloves.  I can't believe I'm heading back to winter."  And on and on and on.  My one consoling though is this:  If all else fails, I'm in the middle of wine country.  :)  

What Will I Miss the Most?

While I am very very VERY exciting for my upcoming trip to Chile, I've spent some time reflecting on the things that I'm going miss during my 2 months away.  Naturally, I'll miss my family, the REB, my friends, etc.  I will probably cry countless hours over Ms. Lucy-Belle (as my dad has nicknamed her).  And of course, I will miss my daily trip to Homemade Pie & Ice Cream to get an oversized slice of caramel cake.  :)  

But the thing I will miss the most is this:  SEX AND THE CITY, THE MOVIE.  

I am a MORON because I booked my flight the day the movie is released.  Stupid, stupid!  Clearly, I did not have my priorities in line!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that they do a midnight release so that I can get my fix before I leave.  I've checked movie release dates in Chile, and most major U.S. films open in Santiago 2-3 weeks after they do in the U.S.  I CANNOT WAIT THAT LONG.  

So what I will be missing most is a movie about fashion and relationships.  What does that say about me????  ;)

Nightmares

Yup, that's right--I've been plagued by nightmares lately.  Not the being-stabbed-to-death kind, but more of the personal-devastation kind.  Needless to say, it's not been a good month for sleeping. 

It all started with a dream about an ex-boyfriend getting married in a Protestant church and then  asking me to play DJ at his wedding with the CDs that are in my car.  Odd, yes?  Maybe not a technical nightmare, but unpleasant nonetheless.  

Then I started having reoccurring nightmares about final exams--that I forgot one, that I blanked out in the middle of the test, etc.  The weirdest one has been about a take-home exam with Prof. Trucios-Haynes (whom I've never taken, FYI).  I drove to my cousins house in the Salvadorian barrio to take the test, but I kept getting distracted by her loud TV watching, loud chewing boyfriend  (Note:  I do not have a cousin who lives in the Salvadorian barrio...in fact, I have no cousins at all).  I think these are fairly normal post-exam dreams, but I would really like them to go away.  Exams are over, so my subliminal brain should be over them too!

My most recent dreams have been about leaving for Chile, and someone from my family always skips out on saying goodbye to me. In one dream, my mom was too busy to come say goodbye, and in another, my dad drives so (purposefully) slow to the airport that I miss my flight.  Now I know that my family doesn't want me to go, but do I have to have horrible dreams about it???  

As usual, I don't think I'm stressed about leaving, but apparently I am...

Exhausted

I took my last final almost 2 weeks ago, and I am STILL exhausted!

However, I have managed to paint my bathrooms, hallway, and kitchen, spend a lovely weekend with my entire family, parent my neglected dog, get insurance for my trip to Chile, pay my exorbitant tuition and about 8000 other bills, get new contacts...bored yet?  Suffice to say, I haven't really taken any time to relax yet.  I AM TIRED.

Therefore, I'm currently sitting on my couch, drinking my new favorite pinot noir, with Lucy-dog, and watching a documentary on PBS (which I learned about on NPR--Storm Over Everest, highly recommended!) and being perfectly lazy.  Tomorrow, I'll get back on the ladder and finish painting my (apple green) kitchen.  But for now, I'm taking the night off and trying to recoup. 

P.S. I have a million and 87 different things to do before I leave for Chile, so my posts will probably be sporadic at best.  However, this blog will turn into my updating system for friends and family while I'm in Chile.  I leave on May 30, so stay tuned!!!!

This is Your Brain...On FINALS.

During final exams, several odd things start happening.  They show up in my conversations with friends, my daily routine, and the things that wake me up in the middle of the night.  

A few examples:

1. This morning, brushing my teeth, I suddenly thought, "Barncki v. Vopper."  There was no context, no meaning, the case name just popped in my head mid-floss.  Note:  my Con Law exam is over, but the cases are still rolling around in my mind.

2. Two nights ago, I woke up at 3:30 in a cold sweat, freaking out about the difference between spoke-and-wheel and chain conspiracy.

3.  While washing my high school quilt today (the squares are made of my old high school t-shirts), I found myself thinking about how our 1st Amendment rights "do not end at the schoolhouse door," and how much I wish I had known that back in 2000.  LAME, Katie.  

4. My wrist has completely flared up again, rendering any use of my right hand pretty much impossible.  I have dropped about 8000 things, either because my fingers go numb or a stabbing pain shoots up my arm.  Now I get to run around town in a very non-chic brace thingy, looking like a total pretentious tool.  

5. On another medical note, I'm pretty convinced my eyesight has rapidly plummeted due to my frantic squinting at my computer screen during exams.

6. I have not done one single thing to prepare for my trip to Chile, even though I am leaving in exactly 4 weeks!

7. I have resorted to a diet of:  Wendy's french fries, sour patch kids, apples or ricecakes with peanut butter, diet coke, and COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE.  

If finals won't mess a girl up, I don't know what will!

Too Much Too Late?

Can you go through a delayed break-up? 

After The Breakup (with definitely warrants capital letters), I never really went through the deep and painful grieving phase.  I fully expected to spend weeks eating chocolate cake and ice cream and putting on eye cream to cover up my puffy eyes.  It just never happened.  And it wasn't because I was deluded enough to think that it wasn't really over.  I knew it was The End.  But I just couldn't do the breakup drama.  Sure, I cried on the entire 10 hour drive home from his place.  But after a week, I really and truly doing A-Ok.  Four years of drama, and it took me one week to get over it. 

Maybe that's why, five months later, I'm finally hurting.  

No, I have not spent the past 5 months thinking that we'll reconcile.  But now, after those 5 interminable months, we have finally settled into a upbeat and positive friendship.  Which is wonderful and nice and safe.  But it also hurts.  We can no longer makes those little jokes, those little inside moments, that filled our relationship.  The entire tone of our relationship has changed.  No more flirtations, no more sharing memories of the times when we were happy.  Just chit-chatter about our lives--which are now going in different directions.  

Don't get me wrong--I'd rather have the REB as a friend than to not have him in my life at all.  He's still my best friend, even with no relationship attached.  But that doesn't mean I'm not sad about the loss.  It's the end of our era.

So I'm taking a break from moving on...to pause and grieve.  It's about time.

Melancholy

I've been kind of down lately, and I can't quite pin down the issue.  

Blaming finals is the natural choice.  Nothing will make you feel worse about yourself than taking 2 exams within 48 hours,  neither of which you finish before time is called.  Seven hours of continual typing and intellectual degradation is bound to make my 2nd story window look like a good option.

But I don't think that's my problem.

Lately (as documented in previous posts), I've been trying to let go of what I can't control and just roll with the punches.  And most of the time, I like it that way.  But some days...I just wish I could control the situation.  I wish I could have all the answers.  The fact that I don't--and I can't--is getting me down today.  

So today I'll embrace the melancholy, and tomorrow I'll try to get back to being bubbly.  In the wise words of Ms. O'Hara, "tomorrow is another day."