Rejections & Realizations

I've said it 10,000 times:  Break ups suck.  There's no way to sugar coat it, folks.  The only thing worse than the break-up is getting back out into the dating world afterwards.  I successfully managed to put off this great job until this week.  

Let me just say, it was not good. 

Against all my better judgment, I agree to let my 36-and-single cousin fix me up with one of his 36-and-single frat brothers.  Who just happens to be a doctor.  A plastic surgeon, actually.  A plastic surgeon doctor who is so busy that e-mail was the "best" way to reliably get in touch with him.  Does anyone else see the flashing red lights???  Yeah, me too.

In short, I got rejected...in an e-mail.  Yup.  The jerk didn't even wait to meet me before blowing me off.  I'm not really bitter...yet.  More like irritated with a small side of bitter.  So first, here are my tips for the bum:  First, please take the time to get to know before you decide that you can't deal with my mild neuroses, untamable hair, and penchant for shoes I can't afford.  Don't give me the brush off just because you're 10 years older than me and my cousin set us up (which could be part of the issue).  Don't assume that just because I've never been to your office, I don't have boobs--I do!  Don't ignore be because I spent 20 minutes crafting the perfectly sweet-but-short introductory e-mail, which I sent to two friends for suggestions before ever sending to you.  And most of all, don't be a pretentious asshole and tell me you might have a "moment" to meet with me--have the balls to say "No thanks, I'd rather not," or be decent enough to lie and say that you'd love to meet me for a drink next week and just judge me after you meet me.  

No matter how many times my friends tell me that it's his loss, he's a freak/loser/jerk, I still can't help but feel inadequate.  Why doesn't he want to meet me?  Did he see a picture of me and decide I was a no-go?  Is the 10 year age gap too much for him?  Does he think I'm still a giggling sorority girl? Maybe it's my nose.  I hate my nose.  He's a plastic surgeon, so I bet he hated my nose too.  What if he just hates lawyers (entirely plausible)?

And then I realized:  A man I don't even know has made me question my self-worth.  More importantly, I realized that this isn't about him, it's about ME.  About my insecurity with dating again.  My unwillingness to "get back out there."  My refusal to meet my potential future husband at a bar.  After being rejected by a guy I spent almost 5 years with, I am still not ready for rejection by someone I don't even know.  Maybe I've been single for almost an entire year now, but the wounds are still pretty fresh.  Being rejected by a stranger stinks, but the worst part is that it brings back memories of being pushed away by someone you gave your heart to.

So maybe I'm just not ready to get back out there, and that is totally fine.  I've spent 5 years focusing on someone else, so maybe it's time to date myself.  To give myself the energy, attention, and effort I've been spending on men.  In 2009, I'll take care of myself.  I'll exfoliate more and stress less (umm, let's ignore the bar exam for the moment).  I'm going to spend the weekends doing things I like instead of wondering why I don't have a date.  I'm going to learn to sew and surf (yes, I'm going to surf!).  I'm going to make myself happy.  I'm going to fall in love with me.

I deleted Mr. Dr.'s e-mail this morning without any real hard feelings.  Without him, I might not have focused on my next relationship.