18 February 2008

Applications Available: Inquire Within.

Let's just put it out there:  Break-ups suck.  Really.  

No matter which way you look at it, it's a crappy experience.  You spend too much time rehashing what went wrong, what you could have done better, why you stopped trying, what he should have done to make you want to try, what he never did and was never going to do, the point where it all went wrong, and for some reason questioning why it still won't work now.  And at the end of that thought train, you're left with one conclusion:  there ain't no goin' back, whether you want to or not.  You can pick up the pieces of yourself and move on, or you can gain 20 lbs. Bridget Jones style and cry yourself to sleep.  

I've had the joy of going through several break-ups, and I've decided that I'm done with that.  To ensure that my most recent break-up will be the last, I'm posting my requirements for The Next One.  

A grown-up man who likes to cuddle but will never admit that to The Guys.  

Deal breakers:  Must be a non-smoker, love dogs (especially mine), and should understand that Sunday is for football games. No blondes.  Must be at least 6' tall and weigh 75+ lbs. more than me (if you need further clarification on this point, stop reading).  Must be willing to fix clogged sinks, take out the trash, and buy me ice cream without pointing out the size of my ass.  NO UK FANS. No mama's boys.

Preferred characteristics:  Over the age of 27 (30+ preferred), likes to cook, eats red meat.  Ability to fix/build things a major plus.  Curly hair preferred but I'm flexible.  NO fans of the Patriots, Duke, Purdue, or any team from Dallas.  Must get along with my Dad and Brother-in-law and charm my Mama.  Must give forehead kisses and back rubs on frequent basis.  Democrats highly preferred.

Other criteria
1. Crying is acceptable, as long as the subject of your tears is because your team lost, your dog died, or the misfortunes of the Bush administration.

2. Must live East of the Mississippi, South of the Mason Dixon line.  Indianapolis residents are a rare exception, but only if you refuse to live in Hamilton County.  

3. Indy 500 attendance is mandatory, no exceptions.  

4. Must agree to live in funky, historic home.  No vinyl suburbs allowed.  Must be willing to do major renovation work on said home.

5. Flowers and jewelry are acceptable gifts, appliances and electronics are NOT (unless specifically requested).  However, cards, love letters, mix CDs, and other sweet, thoughtful, sentimental gifts are preferred.

6. Should understand that I will never:  be a stay-at-home mom, shovel snow, get fake boobs, or  like crappy man-action movies.  

7. I expect you to buy tampons.  If you're not man enough to do this, you're not man enough for me.

8. Lie and tell me I am beautiful in the morning when my 'fro is up and breath is bad.

9. Never question my shopping habits.  Just believe me when I tell you it was on sale.  

10. I will compromise on holidays but I will never be happy about it, and prefer not to do so.  How can be beat Christmas with the Clark Griswold's?  Key word is compromise.

If you think you meet these criteria, apply in person.  No long distance applications will be accepted.  

Now I'll just sit back and wait for the applicants to flood in.  In my dreams, of course.


claire said...

i can pick you up. i think that should be required too! :)

Christopher said...

Two points of order:
1. No UK fans? No wonder we're divorced.
2. Turning left is not a sport, not even if you do it really really fast.

I love you anyway, though.

Little Bagel said...

heehee, totally have the Mary Poppins song in my head right now. It worked for those kids - I think if you just print this blog entry and burn it in the fireplace, you're good to go! :)

Redhoon said...

Hi dearie--it's Vic! Your post is fabulous...don't forget to file some updates as the interview process begins!

heather said...

Um, I tend to agree with your ex-husband on the "No UK fans" point. No wonder y'all's divorce was so hard on me.

Otherwise, you deserve all these things and so very much more.


Andy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DYSB said...

"Crying is acceptable, as long as the subject of your tears is ... the misfortunes of the Bush administration."

That's my favorite line in that

DYSB said...

And while making suggestions about enlarging your boobs is off limits, could someone perhaps make a suggestion to enlarge the font on your blog so that old folks like me can read it without covering one eye, squinting and holding my screen up to my face?

DYSB said...