23 October 2008

Learning to live with it.

During a discussion over ex-boyfriends, my 19 year-old friend A. told me something that is still haunting me.  A. and her long-time high school boyfriend broke up over a year ago, but she still affectionately mentions her ex every now & again.  She told me that she was certain they would never be together again (in fact, she is dating a great new guy).  But she also made this profound statement:  "The hardest part is realizing that I'm always going to be in love with him, and I have to live with that." 

How amazingly accurate. 

I don't really want to dig into the deeper details of my personal life to the entire web community, but it's sufficient to say that I've got to learn to live with my feelings for S.  Even if we can't be together, a piece of me will always fiercely love him.  I know it can't go back to the way it was, but damn!  how I wish it could.  I wish we could have our weekly late Sunday morning breakfasts, where we take our greasy heads out to eat eat greasy-spoon food.  I wish we could be that couple holding hands (PDA!  My only exception) as we browse boutique-y shops & share coffee.  I want to go back to our routine of calling each other morning, noon, and night.  I want him to hold me.  I want to hold him.  I want it back the way it was.

But we can't.  Instead, I've got to live with it.

5 comments:

The Odd Duck said...

I can relate to this one.

When I first started dating my current girlfriend, I had trouble opening up because I was still in love with the ex. If you get the chance look up my "On Broken Wings and Relearning to Fly Part II" post on October 9.

Mandy said...

How true it is. Thats the hardest part by far. You'll get there though.

Jess said...

I think what's so hard about this is that the love that you retain for an ex is often for a person that they no longer are. They grow and evolve but your feelings remain for the person they were when you were together. So it's almost like you're in love with someone who doesn't exist. Not quite as depressing as that, but that's the gist of it. But the good thing about that is that in a way, it makes it easier to move on. You can have feelings about someone and how things were, but once you recognize that things can't be that way anymore and that they aren't exactly the person you loved anymore, it's easier to look forward.

The Odd Duck said...

P. S. You have an award waiting for you over on my blog.

- Kendall

Lauren said...

Once again, you've described something that is EXACTLY how I feel. I miss Frank every day. I don't regret our breakup....but I miss him every single day. That's one of the hardest things...even when you've gotten over the soul-crushing aftermath of a breakup, its aftershocks will linger for a long time to come.

Here's to living with it.