14 October 2008

Dear Employer With Dental & Eye Insurance, Please Hire Me.

DISCLAIMER to potential employers: We all need a laugh, right? Please hire me despite this post. Please. PLEASE.

It's no secret that these are scary times to be looking for a job. Especially scary when you want to enter the law-meets-public-service field and a certain "Maverick" says that it's time to suspend and/or cut the public service sector. The job hunt is freaking me out. Therefore, in my best effort to sell myself, I've created the PERFECT cover letter:

Dear Non-firm, Kumbayah-loving, low-paying Public Service Employer,

If you do not provide eye or dental insurance, go ahead and stop reading. I'm going to need to get this cavity filled eventually, and I certainly can't fix it on the measly salary you listed on your website. And my special contact lenses that aren't special enough to fall under my current insurance plan are cutting into my budget for apartment decorating and shoes. So if you can't give me some good benefits, throw this one in the can now. But please take note of my tasteful and expensive resume paper first--I spent at least $40 and 40 minutes picking it out.

My name is painfully common, but let me show you how uncommon and non-WASPy I am. I mean, I am a middle-class white girl from the Midwest with ancestors from Western Europe and was raised in a protestant church, but I'm different, I swear! I took a few "cultural perspectives" classes in college so I know about diversity. Also, I can speak Spanish, so that means I can totally relate to the underprivileged, underpaid Latino immigrants who came to our country to find a better life but really just find discrimination and heartbreak and lower-than-minimum-wage jobs. But I'm blonde, so I also relate to their sense of discrimination. Those blonde jokes are rough!

My resume lists lots of skills and experiences which sound really, really good on paper but which didn't teach me all that much. My former job? Hogwash. I spent most of my time avoiding my control-freak boss and disciplining college students against my will. And that coveted research position? I mostly just check legal citations while watching episodes of "Forensic Files" or Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations." Granted, I've had some great summer legal positions, so please ask me a lot about those experiences so I can go off about our foster care system or how much better produce is in Chile.

Wait, what? You want to know about my grades? I'm not prepared to talk about my grades! Ok, here's the thing--first year was really, really rough. I just couldn't handle all the arrogance and self-importance and bitchiness...and yes, I'm talking about the professors. How am I supposed to care about res judica when the Prof is distracting me with her Soul Glo hair and nasty stares? Not to mention that I took my spring semester finals with a 48-hour migraine and walking pneumonia. But never fear, I've now figured out the system! I borrow prior students' outlines & archived past exams from the law school and memorize them in time for the exam. Now I'm doing just fine! See how much I've learned?

I have also spent considerable time researching the proper code of conduct for attorneys. I can consume mulitple glasses of wine during a business lunch and still assume an air of professionalism. I also have considerable practice drinking entire bottles of wine at home while I "work." Do not worry, I never ever drive after drinking, and I don't make a habit of participating in illegal activity (unless it involves jaywalking or parking tickets). But I am well-versed in judicial schmoozing and sucking up to those in positions of authority in general. I have perfected my "yes-ma'am-whatever-you-say" smile as I secretly scream profanities in my head. Additionally, I look good in a suit and can walk easily in 4-inch heels.

Above all, I am an excellent baker and frequently make cookies and pastries for my co-workers and office events. Even if I have no idea what I should be doing at my desk, I will guarntee that you will never go hungry!

If the above information didn't make you want to hire me, let me try one last tactic: PLEASE PLEASE give me a job because my student loan debt is astronomical. PLEASE.

I promise to be the best attorney you've ever had and only check my personal e-mail 10x a day at work. And no more Facebook (unless it's an emergency, of course).

Katie, your soon-to-be-new-hire, as long as you have dental.


Lauren said...

First of all, kudos on giving me the first genuine laugh I've had in a couple of days (thank you, massive head cold)

Second of all, if I were an employer, I'd hire you for your jam thumbprint cookies alone!

legaleagle2009 said...

AWESOME!! What a great cover letter! If anyone doesn't immediate snatch you up they are soo missing good stuff!

Thanks for the laugh!

The Odd Duck said...

First thank you for a much needed laugh while studying for midterms.

Now I want to do something like this to sell myself. Which now sounds so very wrong.

So what's this I read about baking?

Mandy said...

I think you have a winner. LOL.

Jess said...

Oh my god please, please, PLEASE send this cover letter to a few potential employers and see if any of them has enough of a sense of humor to call you. PLEASE.