24 October 2008

Middle of the Night Freak Outs

I've had raging insomnia for a handful of years now.  It started during my senior year in college and steadily escalated to the point that I actually got an Rx for chemical sleep assistance.  Keep in mind, I abhor taking little magic pills to cure what ails me.  The last time I actually sang myself a chemical lullaby was on the 10 hour flight to Santiago.  

My usual M.O. for falling asleep involves me shifting into various positions, convinced that I will fall asleep as soon as I find that perfect "spot."  This annoys my dog to no end, to the point that she frequently jumps of my bed and sleepily stumbles to the couch.  I swear she mutters, "screw that crazy lady, messin' with my beauty sleep" under her breath.  

Lately, I have been tossing and turning more than usual, and even after I finally fall asleep, I wake up in cold sweats, freaked out of my mind about some to-do or the other.  Last night was an extreme example.  Lucy-dog had long since packed up for the couch by the time I feel asleep, sometime after 2:30 a.m.  I proceeded to wake up almost every hour with a new paranoia.  

At 3:30, I couldn't remember my grandmother's voice.  I willed myself to stop crying and concentrate.  I eventually could remember the way she said, "Well I'll be!" and that calmed me enough to doze off again.  
At 4:30, I realized my seminar paper is due in 2 weeks.  I almost hopped out of bed to start reading journal articles, but I somehow fell asleep before I actually put a foot on the floor.  
At 5:30, why hadn't S. called me last night?  Or had he?  I couldn't remember?  I talked myself out of calling him in the wee hours of the morning, but made a mental note to check my phone in the morning to see if he had called (he had, twice). 
At 7:00, Lucy had to potty.  As in, HAD TO GO RIGHT NOW.  I stumbled outside in THE purple sweatpants, a black t-shirt with no bra, and a pair of grandma's old fuzzy socks...only to find that it was pouring down rain.  Being a bad mother, I let go of Lucy's leash and let her wander into the ivy-covered front yard to figure it out on her own.  My logic was that she would come back because she's terrified of rain.  Check one for Kate!  Back in my bed, I replayed that irresponsible action over and over and freaked out over my fear of Lucy running away.  Mental note to never do that again.  
At 8:15, my morning wake-up call from S.  He sounds too perky.  I went back to sleep
At 8:45, did S. call?  Shit, I have to write a paper today.  I have to pack for mom and dad's.  Have I called my dad lately?  Did my sister really say he's voting for Obama?  Too much.  Back to sleep.  
9:45.  SHIT.  Overslept almost 2 hours.  Laid awake thinking for a few minutes and finally remembered grandma's voice.  Her laugh.  

Welcome to a night in the life of K.  Fun, yes?  I'm laughing too.  But seriously, these midnight freak-outs are an indication of ONE.VERY.BIG.THING:  Finals are coming.  Only 4 weeks.  Paper due in 2.  

The night sweats have commenced.  I won't sleep well for the next month.  

It's crunch time.  


Mandy said...

Ugh, I hate midnight freakouts.
Good luck on your paper!

The Odd Duck said...

Ah, the midnight freakouts. I know them well.

True story, my first semester of college I had the bright idea to take beginning Japanese. Well, when finals came around I studied so much I apparently yelled at my friend in my sleep. In Japanese.

Good luck on your paper. I can feel the panic of my own finals start to set in.

Diane said...

I found your blog via Kendall's. First, I have to say I LOVE your header... the 'fabric' is gorgeous!! Second, I can sympathize/empathize with the insomnia. I've battled it on and off since I was a kid. Frustrating. Hope your exams/papers go well! And hey, don't beat yourself up over leting the leash go... we've all done that at least once to stay dry :)

Take care!

Lauren said...

Aww, blog soulmate, I'm sorry to hear you're freaking out! I have trouble getting to sleep when I'm stressed, but once I'm out, I'm out. I wish you a sweet rest and good luck.


Little Bagel said...

4 weeks?!?! That's just not fair! You start finals before Thanksgiving???

legaleagle2009 said...

Sigh..finals are too close! Though with the MPRE, the PR exam and a paper due the same week, finals will feel like a reprieve...i am actually trying to plan a mini-vacay for M and I before finals! hehe...but seriously I can relate on the sleep thing...I am usually a good sleeper but the baby messes that up...I wake up in panics (OMG I don't have diapers...wait, baby won't be here for another 12 weeks) or I wake up to piddle and then can't go back to sleep cause the baby is kicking like crazy...such is life though...hope you get some sleep this weekend!

Jess said...

I like that you looking for the perfect spot to sleep in bugs your dog. Usually one would expect it to be the other way around.

lovelaj0149 said...

god I hate it when this happens I get something very similar triggered by trivial things like listening to revolution 9 by the Beatles. I almost never wake up but sometimes it keeps me up paranoid about the clicking sounds my CD player is making, "yes I know that's whats making that sound". It seems to happen randomly and last for a few nights. Their are those times tho were I wake up to relies a stupid paranoia about the quit sound of my dog snoring to the point were I turn on the lights or in some cases , notably a recent event, when I had a dream about my dog dieing to were I woke up for hours crying hopefully finding a chance to call my dad to see if she was okay (she was). Why do you think I'm writing this now at 5:10 am.