A random gripe about being 5'3"

In the big picture, I'm not even really that short.  But apparently, being 5'3" makes me incapable of performing some ordinary functions.

For exmaple, I cannot use the handicapped toilet at school.  Normally, I try to be polite and avoid the H potty, just in case there is a person who really needs it.  But when your school only has 2 stalls--one being the H-pot--you're left with no choice.  However, you must be 5'7" + to use the H-pot properly.  I feel like a 5 year-old with my feet dangling 6 inches off the ground and the t.p. so far away that it's virtually impossible to reach.  Needless to say, this leaves me feeling RIDICULOUS. 

And as much as I adore my new apartment, the cabinets are so high on the wall that I am only able to reach items on the very bottom of my shelf without using my handy-dandy step stool.  I used to use it once every blue moon when I needed to get down a large serving platter or extra wine glasses (don't worry, I keep 8 in an easy-to-reach place at all times).   In the new place, I am using the step-stool so much that the paint is already starting to chip off the handle!  Sigh.

CLOTHES SHOPPING = DRAMA.  Pants are always too long.  Simple tank tops become dresses on me.  Dresses look frumpy because they go past my knees.  The petite section is my best friend.  Too bad it usually only includes Alfred Dunner and Liz Claiborne. 

Finally, stores like Target and Staples seem to LOVE putting the exact item I need on a shelf that is 10 feet in the air.  Then I have to find a little red-shirt person (a challenge in itself), and they have to get a ladder, and 15 minutes later, I may or may not have the item I need.  I realize that space is a hot commodity, but why must they put the skinny yellow highlighters up top where no moral can reach????  Clearly, this is a necessary item for ALL students and should be reachable.  

Don't mean to complain, but I'm feeling very short today.  :(

Voy a CHILE!!!

It's official--I've been accepted into the placement program in CHILE for this summer!!!

More details to follow, but I just had to share my excitement! 

Challenges

Most people use the winter holidays (Dec/Jan) to reflect back on the direction of their life in the past year, but I always prefer to do this in springtime.  

Not that it's even a preference; rather, it's just the direction my mind wanders toward.  There's something about the new grass and pale sunlight and that first day you go out without a jacket that makes me what to stop and take stock of my own life.  It makes me want to jettison the dirty winter hibernation in my own mind and welcome new shoots and blooms.  So now that it's officially spring (according to the moon) I'm taking time to look back on the past year of my life and look forward to the coming year.

This past "year" has brought several challenges, some bigger than I ever thought I'd face.  Some were unexpected but welcome.  And some....just were.

First, conquering law school has been my biggest challenge and achievement so far.  A year ago, I hit an academic rock-bottom.  I have always done well in school, and law school was the first time I had not been at the very top of my class.  It was a slap in the face.  And a much needed one.  I came to law school without any major form of direction other than, "I want to help kids!"  Unfortunately, that is NOT the kind of direction you should bring to law school.  Amid a sea of over-confident go-getters, I sank.  I lost myself.  I floundered.  But, after a year, I've finally found my footing.  And I'm on a pretty good ledge right now.  My mom asked me if liked my classes better this year, or if I'd figured out how to play the game.  And the answer is:  to some degree, yes.  But mostly, I found myself again.  I remembered why I deserve to be in law school, too.  So maybe I'm not in the tope 10%, but I will do more than bring home a paycheck.  Wanting to help children IS the right kind of direction.  I just had to look past the suits to remember that.

Secondly, as I have referenced before, I've survived The Break-up.  That's right:  I got my heart broken and I'm still on two feet.  I didn't even spend one day laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.  Something about letting go of him made me latch onto myself.  And I have to admit, it's the best damn feeling I've ever had in my life.  I don't know that I've ever had so much faith in myself.  I truly don't mean that in an arrogant way--in no manner do I think I'm fabulous.  But I have a confidence that I've never had before.  For the first time since I was 17 years old, I'm not putting my faith and effort into a relationship.  I'm putting my faith in ME.  I'm 25, single, and pretty happy about that.

Finally, I'm slowly learning to let go.  I still worry about things I can't control.  But I know that I can't control them, and I'm learning to be at peace with that fact.  I'm realizing that plans are just plans, they're not anything more.  Just because I make an elaborate plan doesn't mean life will actually follow that way.  In fact, following the plan would be pretty boring.  If you mapped out your life in the beginning, you would  never get to experience the big-smile-bursting-chest feeling of the surprises.  Even the bad surprises are sitting better with me.  Pat Green said it best when he sang "Sometimes I sleep with all the lights on/to help me appreciate the night."  And while I still have no "direction," I'm beginning to think that it's overrated.  There are so many things I want to do with my life, starting NOW.  No more waiting for my life to begin!

Just a few "year-end" reflections on my mind.  Happy Spring!!!! 

Reasons Why Today Is a GOOD Day!

1. I woke up early, had time to shower, eat a good and healthy breakfast, watch a little of the Today show, and get to class a few minutes early.  I LOVE mornings like that.  I almost feel like a put-together person.

2. I actually understood what was going on in Secured Transactions.  Take note:  this is only the 2nd time this has happened.

3. I have TWO interviews later this week!!!!  I might be employable!  Always good to reaffirm your own faith in yourself.

4. I'm having a very good hair day.  :)  I just had to point that out!

These little things (and big things, re: interviews) have made me sooo happy today that I don't think my bubble could burst.  On that note, I am going to try to make a post or two each week about the positive things going on.  Thanks for the tip, Oprah (via Mom, of course).

Es una dia de sonrisas!!!!!

Finals Goals

Finals are less than five weeks away.  Ok, cover your ears.  EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Needless to say, I've hit the buckle-down mark and my blog posts may get sparse until Derby celebrations are over.  Knowing my tendency to procrastinate, they may actually get more prolific....

However, now that it's crunch time, I've set some goals for finals period this year:

1. I will not drink more than 3 diet cokes/diet dr. peppers in one day.  I'm worried that I'm pickling my body and I will be so well preserved that the mortician might just stand me up in a corner of his freaky little office as a testament to the aspartame = formaldehyde theory. (Note:  Coffee does not go toward the caffeine-units-per-day count)

2. I will not eat more than 2 packages of Twizzlers over the  8-day finals period.  

3. In fact, I will eat real food.  Don't know what it is about finals but all I seem to want are sugar, popcorn, and caffeine...

4. I will exercise every day.  This actually isn't a hard one for me to keep.  Despite the fact that my sneakers have been highly neglected this semester, I can always justify a run/trip to the gym during finals.  Something about endorphins and clearing my mind.  Or another way to procrastinate.

5.  I will only have ONE breakdown where I call my mom in the middle of the day and tell her that I don't want to be a lawyer and I just want to open up a bakery or work for the Travel Channel.  During said breakdown, I will feel sorry for myself for no more than 15 minutes, and then I will realize that I look like a boiled monkey and stop crying.

6. I WILL NOT GO SHOPPING.  NOT EVEN ONCE.

7. I will do not any of the following:  Read my guide books on Chile, obsess about what to wear in Chile since it will be winter,  google information about Chile, worry about speaking non-stop Spanish for 10 weeks in Chile, talk about going to Chile, eat chili, or even say the word Chile.  If I begin to think about Chile, I may find myself on a plane headed there when I'm supposed to be taking my Evidence final.

8. As always, I will go to bed late, get up early, and shower very infrequently.  Not that this is really a goal--more like an inevitable fact that I'm accepting early on.

9. I will not sell my sweet-but-hyper dog to traveling gypsies (um, is that really an ethnic slur? I mean it only in an "if a band of people who roamed the earth playing music and practicing free love came by my house, never to return" kind of way...).  While I love my Lulu, I am sometimes tempted to take her to Doggie Daycare and pick her up a week later.  I usually only have these thoughts when she wiggles her head under my chin and clinks my teeth and/or knocks over my coffee cup, or when she jumps up on my clean jeans/dress/skirt. 

10. Last but not least, I will not get overly stressed.  Sounds impossible, I know.  But I've learned that there is a inverse proportionality between my stress level and my grades:  the lower my stress level, the higher my grades.  Go figure.  Probably also important to note that my stress level is lower when I'm more prepared for exams.  Therefore...

...back to this damn Evidence outline.  I feel like I have to be a criminal lawyer now just so I can put my knowledge of the FRE to use.  Or maybe I can just use it as a "knowledgeable skill" on my Travel Channel application...hmmmm.....

Movies as Metaphors

 My friend Lucie can relate ANYTHING to Sex & the City.  Recently, I told her about a conversation I had with the recently-ex-boyfriend, and she replied, "This is just like the SATC when Carrie and Big..."  My good friend Ashley swears that the movie "Serendipity" helped her get over he ex-boyfriend.  And while it sounds like I'm doubting or criticizing their wisdom, I am definitely not.  In fact, I watched a movie last night that basically summarized the past 4 months of my life:  Catch and Release.

Normally, I am not a big chick-flick fan (Ok...admittedly, I love the BBC Pride and Prejudice and Legally Blonde as much as the next girl) but this one we really well done.  Really!  Go watch it and you'll understand.  Promise.   :) 

If you know me, you'll know the real-life counterpart of each character.  I'll leave that up to conjecture to avoid offending anyone or airing my dirty laundry on the internet.  But the whole point is that the message really stuck with me:  

1.  Life goes on.  Shit happens, and the best any of us can do is pick ourselves up and figure out what else is out there.  The world keeps turning, and you might as well be part of it. 

2. It's ok to make the choice that other people don't understand.  As long as you're not hurting someone else, you have to do what makes YOU happy, even if other folks don't understand it.  (Cue the lyrics from "The Next Five Years" where Jamie and Kathy say "There's something about us that nobody else needs to know...").

And that's it for today.  No major revelations, just reflections on a cute movie.  I could share a lot more but this isn't the right forum for that.  Just wanted to say that I understand how Lucie and Ash can relate to their life through Hollywood.  Sometimes, a movie can articulate our situation and emotions better than we can do on our own.  For me, even the title says it right now:  Catch and Release.

Post-Vacation Thoughts

After 7 glorious, perfect, sunny, warm days, I've finally accepted that I am back in my "real" life.  

Not that I'm happy about that, but I'm trying to be realistic here.  I'm stuck here until at least May, so I should get my head out of the clouds for the next 6 weeks.  Or something like that.

As is expected, I came up with so many new blog posts on the cruise (note:  I forgot my journal and therefore had to make lots of notes on the back of receipts...my purse is a total mess!).  There's something about sitting on the beach, looking at clear blue skies that makes me reflect on so many different things, but as always, my main thought is always about how I want to run away and live a life-less-ordinary.  I find myself dreaming of living on an island, working within the local community, and becoming part of it.  Of becoming part of something new.  It's thrilling (and admittedly terrifying) to imagine myself so completely outside of my comfort zone and outside of everything I know...and then becoming part of it.  

And then our plane landed in Indiana and I had to come back down to earth.

And now, I find myself torn in between an interesting dynamic:  How I do not sell myself short and embrace LIFE and all those experiences I want to have and still remain "responsible," "mature," and down-to-earth??? 

Right now, I don't know the answer.  I know that if I moved outside the U.S., I would miss my family greatly and would probably be more homesick that I want to admit.  Not to mention that my dear, dear grandparents are 92 years old and in failing health.  And I don't want to take the Bar and then a) not need the certification or b) have to take it again in a few years.  And what would I do for a career?  Can I be an attorney in a foreign country?  Do I even want to be an attorney???  See, lots of questions.  

But then there are the benefits:  new experiences, larger cultural perspective (and the sundry benefits that come with), mastering a new language, "diverse" friend set, reasons to travel back, probably stands out on an American resume, and most importantly, a life less ordinary.  And  I mean less ordinary in the sense that I have a desire to challenge myself to do new things, NOT because I want to brag to my friends/co-workers that I've done something "different."

(By the way, I think most people go through this thought process in their early 20's.  Since I am just now figuring myself, I am going through this in my mid-twenties.  Whatever)

The entire point of this rambling is that my little va-cay left me wanting more.  More adventure, more sunshine and 90 degree weather, and more LIFE.  I want to get out there and live it, and I'm tired of letting things like law school and the Bar and "I should (fill in the blank)" keep me from doing that.

One of my favorite movies sums it up best:  "Either get busy living, or get busy dying."

The Good News...And the Bad News...

Good:  I am leaving for a cruise in 2 days!

Bad:  I have the plague.  

By "I have the plague," I mean I have a very attractive hacking cough that made a little girl in Walgreen's bug her eyes out and run to a different aisle.  No worries, though, I have drugs!  And I really am planning on taking them all this time.  Promise.  As long the instructions don't say I can't drink fruity drinks while sunning myself on the boat.  ;) 

So, goodbye for now, readers!  I'll update you when I'm back from sun, blue seas, and probably a mild hangover.

Hasta luego!

My alter-ego

...is a white MacBook with no name.  

My last computer, a lovely little iBook, was named Izzy and I was convinced we were soul mates.  And then she crashed and met her fate at Help My Mac! in Indianapolis, where I sold her for $200 for her remaining parts.  I was like that scene in First Knight when Guinivere pushes Arthur's death pyre out into the sea.  Ok, maybe that a leeeettle dramatic, but it hurt my heart to say goodbye to her.

As always, I moved on too soon.  

The pressures of law school (which started 1 week after Izzy left this world) forced me to march into the Apple store and buy a new MacBook (Yes, I realize that I just used the words "forced" to describe my trip to the Apple store, which is an oxymoron.  Truth is, I merrily skipped in, got my new 'puter--and free iPod and printer--and left elated).  Little did I know that this little beast of a machine was NOT even close to the machine that Izzy was.  It's been nothing but a long, hard, road ever since.  

My first clue should have been that the new MacBook is a man.  No, I am not insane.  But I do tend to assign gender to inanimate objects (my Jetta is Gretta, my childhood Blankie was a boy, my KitchenAid is a girl named Claire).  I just get a vibe and the rest is history.  And my vibe from the New Mac is very masculine.  He is ornery, stubborn, and definitely has a mind of his own.  He does what he wants whenever he wants, with total disregard to my needs.  When he wants to work it out, he does...but some days he just doesn't feel like it (which of course leaves me hanging high and dry).  And he makes little grunting sounds.  Typical man indeed!

Despite the New Mac's gender, he is certainly my recent alter-ego.  Right before classes started this semester, New Mac had a break-down and had to go back to the store for some rebooting and restoration...not entirely unlike my feelings after The Breakup.  I was broken-hearted, unwilling to go out or do any form of work...but yet I was not irretrievably broken (yet another lawyer-term).  The guy at Apple told me that New Mac had "corrupted files."  Now when has a computer term ever summed up 3 months of your life???  Amazingly, it was the perfect term for the bad baggage in my life--corrupted files.  Bad memories, sad memories, pointless arguments we had simply for the sake of arguing...even though I know those files were once bright and sunny.  

But just like New Mac, I was able to throw out most of the corrupted files and get right back up and back out in the game of life.  I was up and running toward something new a different.  And New Mac was chugging along just fine.

But dammit, sometimes things come along and bring back those files you thought you had purged.  

I'm not sure what New Mac's problem is, but he's back to spazzing out, being confused and lazy, and generally flaky.  He alternates back and forth from hot (working fine) to cold (crashing twice in twenty minutes).  How odd that my alter-ego is a tiny little laptop computer, because I know exactly how he feels.  I don't know if I'm hot or cold, restless or ready for rest.  Some days I'm just looking for a life-less-drama, and others I want it ALL, including the side of hot mess.  Problem is, I change my mind 20 times a day...just like New Mac.

I'm taking New Mac (who shall remain unnamed until I feel a growth of affection for him) back to his family at Apple, and hopefully they can straighten him out for good and get rid of ALL corrupted files.  And maybe I will vicariously get straightened out as well.  Perhaps we both just need to clear our heads of the past and forget all of the bad memories that lie there, to take a deep breath of clean air and flat-out refuse to ever go back to that corrupted place.  Maybe we both just need to delete a few files and rebuild them with uncorrupted ones.  

I'm a strong believer in forgiveness and second chances, so New Mac gets one more shot to earn my techie-devotion (although he has a lot to live up to next to the iPhone).  And I'm going to dig through those files, keep the good parts, and toss the bad.  New Mac and I are on the path to un-corruption.