03 March 2008

My alter-ego

...is a white MacBook with no name.  

My last computer, a lovely little iBook, was named Izzy and I was convinced we were soul mates.  And then she crashed and met her fate at Help My Mac! in Indianapolis, where I sold her for $200 for her remaining parts.  I was like that scene in First Knight when Guinivere pushes Arthur's death pyre out into the sea.  Ok, maybe that a leeeettle dramatic, but it hurt my heart to say goodbye to her.

As always, I moved on too soon.  

The pressures of law school (which started 1 week after Izzy left this world) forced me to march into the Apple store and buy a new MacBook (Yes, I realize that I just used the words "forced" to describe my trip to the Apple store, which is an oxymoron.  Truth is, I merrily skipped in, got my new 'puter--and free iPod and printer--and left elated).  Little did I know that this little beast of a machine was NOT even close to the machine that Izzy was.  It's been nothing but a long, hard, road ever since.  

My first clue should have been that the new MacBook is a man.  No, I am not insane.  But I do tend to assign gender to inanimate objects (my Jetta is Gretta, my childhood Blankie was a boy, my KitchenAid is a girl named Claire).  I just get a vibe and the rest is history.  And my vibe from the New Mac is very masculine.  He is ornery, stubborn, and definitely has a mind of his own.  He does what he wants whenever he wants, with total disregard to my needs.  When he wants to work it out, he does...but some days he just doesn't feel like it (which of course leaves me hanging high and dry).  And he makes little grunting sounds.  Typical man indeed!

Despite the New Mac's gender, he is certainly my recent alter-ego.  Right before classes started this semester, New Mac had a break-down and had to go back to the store for some rebooting and restoration...not entirely unlike my feelings after The Breakup.  I was broken-hearted, unwilling to go out or do any form of work...but yet I was not irretrievably broken (yet another lawyer-term).  The guy at Apple told me that New Mac had "corrupted files."  Now when has a computer term ever summed up 3 months of your life???  Amazingly, it was the perfect term for the bad baggage in my life--corrupted files.  Bad memories, sad memories, pointless arguments we had simply for the sake of arguing...even though I know those files were once bright and sunny.  

But just like New Mac, I was able to throw out most of the corrupted files and get right back up and back out in the game of life.  I was up and running toward something new a different.  And New Mac was chugging along just fine.

But dammit, sometimes things come along and bring back those files you thought you had purged.  

I'm not sure what New Mac's problem is, but he's back to spazzing out, being confused and lazy, and generally flaky.  He alternates back and forth from hot (working fine) to cold (crashing twice in twenty minutes).  How odd that my alter-ego is a tiny little laptop computer, because I know exactly how he feels.  I don't know if I'm hot or cold, restless or ready for rest.  Some days I'm just looking for a life-less-drama, and others I want it ALL, including the side of hot mess.  Problem is, I change my mind 20 times a day...just like New Mac.

I'm taking New Mac (who shall remain unnamed until I feel a growth of affection for him) back to his family at Apple, and hopefully they can straighten him out for good and get rid of ALL corrupted files.  And maybe I will vicariously get straightened out as well.  Perhaps we both just need to clear our heads of the past and forget all of the bad memories that lie there, to take a deep breath of clean air and flat-out refuse to ever go back to that corrupted place.  Maybe we both just need to delete a few files and rebuild them with uncorrupted ones.  

I'm a strong believer in forgiveness and second chances, so New Mac gets one more shot to earn my techie-devotion (although he has a lot to live up to next to the iPhone).  And I'm going to dig through those files, keep the good parts, and toss the bad.  New Mac and I are on the path to un-corruption.

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