26 March 2008


Most people use the winter holidays (Dec/Jan) to reflect back on the direction of their life in the past year, but I always prefer to do this in springtime.  

Not that it's even a preference; rather, it's just the direction my mind wanders toward.  There's something about the new grass and pale sunlight and that first day you go out without a jacket that makes me what to stop and take stock of my own life.  It makes me want to jettison the dirty winter hibernation in my own mind and welcome new shoots and blooms.  So now that it's officially spring (according to the moon) I'm taking time to look back on the past year of my life and look forward to the coming year.

This past "year" has brought several challenges, some bigger than I ever thought I'd face.  Some were unexpected but welcome.  And some....just were.

First, conquering law school has been my biggest challenge and achievement so far.  A year ago, I hit an academic rock-bottom.  I have always done well in school, and law school was the first time I had not been at the very top of my class.  It was a slap in the face.  And a much needed one.  I came to law school without any major form of direction other than, "I want to help kids!"  Unfortunately, that is NOT the kind of direction you should bring to law school.  Amid a sea of over-confident go-getters, I sank.  I lost myself.  I floundered.  But, after a year, I've finally found my footing.  And I'm on a pretty good ledge right now.  My mom asked me if liked my classes better this year, or if I'd figured out how to play the game.  And the answer is:  to some degree, yes.  But mostly, I found myself again.  I remembered why I deserve to be in law school, too.  So maybe I'm not in the tope 10%, but I will do more than bring home a paycheck.  Wanting to help children IS the right kind of direction.  I just had to look past the suits to remember that.

Secondly, as I have referenced before, I've survived The Break-up.  That's right:  I got my heart broken and I'm still on two feet.  I didn't even spend one day laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.  Something about letting go of him made me latch onto myself.  And I have to admit, it's the best damn feeling I've ever had in my life.  I don't know that I've ever had so much faith in myself.  I truly don't mean that in an arrogant way--in no manner do I think I'm fabulous.  But I have a confidence that I've never had before.  For the first time since I was 17 years old, I'm not putting my faith and effort into a relationship.  I'm putting my faith in ME.  I'm 25, single, and pretty happy about that.

Finally, I'm slowly learning to let go.  I still worry about things I can't control.  But I know that I can't control them, and I'm learning to be at peace with that fact.  I'm realizing that plans are just plans, they're not anything more.  Just because I make an elaborate plan doesn't mean life will actually follow that way.  In fact, following the plan would be pretty boring.  If you mapped out your life in the beginning, you would  never get to experience the big-smile-bursting-chest feeling of the surprises.  Even the bad surprises are sitting better with me.  Pat Green said it best when he sang "Sometimes I sleep with all the lights on/to help me appreciate the night."  And while I still have no "direction," I'm beginning to think that it's overrated.  There are so many things I want to do with my life, starting NOW.  No more waiting for my life to begin!

Just a few "year-end" reflections on my mind.  Happy Spring!!!! 

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