27 April 2008

Too Much Too Late?

Can you go through a delayed break-up? 

After The Breakup (with definitely warrants capital letters), I never really went through the deep and painful grieving phase.  I fully expected to spend weeks eating chocolate cake and ice cream and putting on eye cream to cover up my puffy eyes.  It just never happened.  And it wasn't because I was deluded enough to think that it wasn't really over.  I knew it was The End.  But I just couldn't do the breakup drama.  Sure, I cried on the entire 10 hour drive home from his place.  But after a week, I really and truly doing A-Ok.  Four years of drama, and it took me one week to get over it. 

Maybe that's why, five months later, I'm finally hurting.  

No, I have not spent the past 5 months thinking that we'll reconcile.  But now, after those 5 interminable months, we have finally settled into a upbeat and positive friendship.  Which is wonderful and nice and safe.  But it also hurts.  We can no longer makes those little jokes, those little inside moments, that filled our relationship.  The entire tone of our relationship has changed.  No more flirtations, no more sharing memories of the times when we were happy.  Just chit-chatter about our lives--which are now going in different directions.  

Don't get me wrong--I'd rather have the REB as a friend than to not have him in my life at all.  He's still my best friend, even with no relationship attached.  But that doesn't mean I'm not sad about the loss.  It's the end of our era.

So I'm taking a break from moving on...to pause and grieve.  It's about time.

1 comment:

Redhoon said...

I really think it is possible to have a delayed reaction. If nothing else, you just start to appreciate how things have changed once you get past the initial awkwardness of talking. I went through something very similar with a long-time boyfriend a few years ago. He and I don't talk as much anymore, but I'm still happy we're friends. Good for you for recognizing the need to breathe in and out a bit.